Alice and the Deathly Hallows
by Swallow B
Summary: It's hard to read Harry Potter on the plane. Especially when you are sitting next to Minna and Mr Black.


Alice and the Deathly Hallows

'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows' belongs to JK Rowling. So do Minna and Mr Black (McGonagall and Snape, of course).

Apologies to Dan Brown.

Which leaves me with Alice, unfortunately.

ooo

July 2007.

Harry Potter had just taken flight on a dragon's back, after breaking into Gringott's.

At the back of the queue to the boarding gate, Alice feverishly turned a page, while shifting her heavy travelling bag on her shoulder. Of course, she wanted to know what happened next, how Harry and his friends would escape, but more importantly, Alice had reached page 598 of 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows' and there was still no sign of Snape . Alice didn't like that at all.

"Boarding card, please."

"What?"

"Boarding card."

"Oh. Right. Boarding card. Er, could you hold this, please?"

Hesitantly, Alice handed her book over to the young clerk - they were getting younger and younger, he could be her son. He nodded towards the counter. Alice put her book down and, without losing it from sight, fumbled through her large travelling handbag while the young man tapped his fingers impatiently.

"There," she breathed.

The young man tore the end off the card and gave it back to her, looking disgusted. Alice was already clutching her book in relief.

How unlike herself, she reflected as she stepped onto the plane. Alice never lost her boarding card. She always hung on it for dear life until the plane was safely above the clouds.

Ah, but she was at page 598 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows...

"86 A, this way, window seat, have a pleasant flight."

"Thanks," said Alice, thinking of Harry's flight on the dragon's back.

When Alice finally reached row 86, still thinking about Harry and the dragon,she had to disturb the occupants of seats B and C to get to her window corner.

Or she thought she had to. Somehow, she managed to squeeze by without causing the middle- aged man and older woman to get up.

"S'cuse me, s'cuse me..."

The man swished his long black coat off Alice's seat and glared at her. Alice glared back , squashed her own coat against the window and pushed her duty-free bag in front of her. They always tell you to put bags containing bottles under the seats, but Alice's bags never seemed to fit and always had to be jammed under her feet somehow, causing her to spend the flight in a fetal position.

Who cared, as long as she had her book...

How were they going to get off the dragon?

"May I help you?"

"What?" Alice didn't know how the man had done it, but he had pushed her bag under the frontseat as easily as a letter in the box – bad metaphor, it shows your age – as a dummy in a baby'smouth – no, other bad metaphor – as... who cares? At least, this is a gallant, polite, helpful , European man.

Take out the gallant. He's scowling again. The woman next to him... what on earth is that they're reading? Books that old are only allowed in museums. That must beheavier to carry than the 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows' hard cover edition. Which reminds me...

As Alice pulled her book out of her bag, she thought she heard the woman gasp. Could she be aHarry Potter fan? She didn't look the type with her square glasses and her hair strictly tied back.

She must have gasped in surprise to see a grown woman reading a children's book. Well, too bad. Alice wasn't going to wait until that woman fell asleep to read Harry Potter. Alice decidedto give the woman's heavy old book the same nasty look she must be giving Harry Potter.

Except that she wasn't. She wasn't even looking. And she wasn't reading a heavy book. It was aPenguin Classic. Her companion, the man in black, had his crooked nose in a copy of Dan Brown's latest.

Alice couldn't help twisting her head to try and see what the lady was reading. The man in black sniffed disapprovingly.

Oh, right. European, polite.

Blushing slightly, Alice opened her book. Before she had settled down on the dragon's back, she caught a glimpse of her neighbours exchanging a smile.

What's so funny?

People who don't read Harry Potter don't know what they're missing, anyway.

Harry and his friends had just Apparated to Hogsmeade when a voice called Alice back to reality.

"Please fasten your seat belt."

Oh right, seat belt.

The man in black gave Alicea scornful look.

While Aberforth helped Harry and his friends escape the Death Eaters and told them the sad story of his family, the plane had time to leave the ground. Alice never noticed. She was on the way to Hogwarts with Neville when the seat belt voice pulled her back to reality again, to the accompaniment of a very audible groan from the man in black.

"What would you like to drink?"

"To drink? Oh, er, anything."

"There is no such thing as anything," hissed the man in black who looked quite tempted to throw his Dan Brown at her. She couldn't blame him. He would be much better off reading Harry Potter. It might make him less narky.

"Er, orange juice?"

"Ahead of them was the end of the passage..."

When she got to the description of the Room of Requirement, "The silver and the green of Slytherin alone were absent", she heaved a sigh and looked up sadly.

The man in black, who was sipping an unidentified concoction with a disgusted frown didn't bother to change his expression when he turned to her.

How could she tell him she felt bad about the Slytherin colours being absent? With another sigh, she went back to her book. She thought she heard the old lady whispering something. Mr Black (for whom she had found a perfect nickname, thanks to Harry Potter) moved slightly towards her. As if he wanted to take a peek at her book.

Again she couldn't blame him. She would peek too, if someone next to her was reading the latest Harry Potter when she hadn't. Mr Black looked puzzled, however. He bent towards his companion and whispered.

What's their problem? Alice would have scowled at them if she hadn't been so eager to get back to her book. Harry was at Hogwarts. Now he would meet Snape. At last. In anticipation, she knocked her cup of orange juice over Dan Brown.

Mr Black's eyes flashed. Muttering something unintelligible about a bottom (not so polite, after all), he reached towards his pocket, then pulled his hand back in frustration, as if he had forgotten what he was looking for at home. Tissues, probably. Alice fumbled in her handbag, but Mrs Black was proferring an old-fashioned red tartan handkerchief, while whispering something about 'aura' and 'crab oil'.

Funny, she didn't look the New Age type.

Mr Black wiped his clothes off, glared at Alice again and handed the hadkerchief back to his companion. Alice wondered what material it was made of. It looked as dry as it had before Mr Black had used it.

"Thank you, Min… Minna."

She wasn't his mother, then, thought Alice,vaguely wondering what their relationship could be.

Who cared, anyway? Harry was off to the Ravenclaw common-room.

And here was McGonagall. If not Snape, at least Alice's second favourite teacher had finally made an appearance on page 648 ! Alice gleefully knocked her empty cup back onto Mr Black's damp and orange -smelling Dan Brown.

Mr Black's reaction was quite violent : he threw the cup on the floor and angrily stamped on it, looking as if he wished he could do the same to Alice.

Alice decided this would be a good time for a trip to the bathroom. It would give Mr Brown, she meant Mr Black, time to calm down.

Though she'd be quick. She really wanted to read more about McGonagall.

When she returned, Minna and Mr Black were arguing in low voices. Alice thought she heard Minna complaining about something slithering and a riddle, while Mr Black made some biting remark about people who couldn't read signs. Had Minna perhaps failed her driving test? Mr Black was being very mean about it, especially to a woman of Minna's age.

"Excuse me."

She still had to get back to her window seat.

"There's plenty of room, even for you."

Mr Black seemed very unhappy to see her back.

"Sorry I didn't get stuck in the loo like Montague", she thought, resenting the disparaging remark about her figure.

Mr Black raised his eyebrows as if he could read her thoughts. Creepy.

"That was not gentlemanly, say…", began Minna.

Mr Black frowned at her as if in warning. Minna bit her thin lip, which made it even paler. Alice felt sorry for her, as she rummaged around for her book. It must have slipped to the floor. Alice frantically threw coat and handbag aside before diving under her seat.

"Are you looking for this, by any chance?"

Alice emerged from under her seat, hot and flustered. Mr Black was holding her Harry Potter by his fingertips as if it was something disgusting.

"Oh, thank you!" she cried in gratitude, hugging her colourful treasure.

She thought she saw Mr Black give her book a wistful glance. Aha, she knew his type. He pretended to be above Harry Potter, but the truth was, he was dying to read it.

But, oh, wonderful, here was Snape at last, on page 654 ! Now nothing, nothing could pull Alice away from the confrontation between her two favourite teachers, not even Minna and Mr Black's bickering in the background.

Snape and McGonagall were fighting seriously. And what fighters they were.

"Oh no, oh no", moaned Alice in horror.

"Can't you read that wretched book quietly?" grumbled Mr Black.

"Harry Potter, isn't it?" said Minna. She spoke with a Scottish accent. Alice liked that accent. It reminded her of McGonagall.

"Yes," she replied with a smile, forgetting McGonagall was trying to kill Snape.

"A sad story," said Minna.

"Does it finish badly?" worried Alice.

It would, if Snape and McGonagall didn't stop fighting soon and finally understand they were on the same side. Because they had to be, hadn't they? Snape couldn't be a traitor.

"Many people died… I mean characters," said Minna.

Alice bit her tongue not to ask if Snape died. That would be cheating.

"Yes, well, I do wish you could refrain from making these unseemly noises each time someone dies,"said Mr Black. "It's very irritating. You don't even know these people."

"Characters," said Minna.

"Characters, indeed," agreed Mr Black.

Minna tut-tutted disapprovingly.

"You don't like Harry Potter?" asked Alice shyly.

Mr Black snorted. Minna nudged him.

"It's a sad book," she said again.

Alice was worried about Snape. She began to read again anxiously, desperately, her whole body tense.

Snape had jumped out of the window.

Alice gasped.

Mr Black groaned.

Snape wasn't dead : he was flying.

Alice gasped louder.

Mr Black groaned louder.

Harry was questioning the Grey Lady when lunch arrived. Alice practised her best juggling and acrobatics skills to perch her bulky book on top of the food tray.

In the process, two lids and a paper napkin landed on Mr Black's lap. Alice noticed he had given up on Dan Brown and refused the lunch tray and he was very edgy.

Oh dear, thought Alice. I should have skipped lunch too. The food is always disgusting, anyway.

Not that she paid any attention to what she was putting in her mouth. The Grey Lady was Helena Ravenclaw who had stolen the diadem and… oh my, the Bloody Baron !

"All these centuries later he wears his chains as an act of penitence… as he should."

Alice gave a deep sigh, looked up and noticed she had eaten dessert before… whatever that stuff was.

Mr Black looked as if he couldn't decide what was more appalling to look at : Alice's food, Alice's book or Alice. In an attempt to influence him in favour of the food, Alice made a face and pretended to push the tray away. A symbolic gesture, as there was hardly enough room for the tray on the table.

But somehow it worked. Had the tray shrunk or had the table expanded? Suddenly Alice had a comfortable niche for her book.

When Hermione kissed Ron, Alicelet out a contented sigh. Mr Black's sigh was less contented.

Harry had just reached the Room of Requirement when the stewardess came over with tea.

"No, thank you," said Alice.

"Certainly not", said Mr Black.

"No, thank you," said Minna in a tone that clearly meant "certainly not".

"They call that tea !" she muttered.

"When we arrive… if we arrive", said Mr Black, looking at Alice as if she was holding up the plane, "something much better will be awaiting us. I did tell you, Minna, planes are a dreadful way to travel."

Minna tut-tutted and glanced at Alice as if Mr Black had said something Alice shouldn't have heard. Alice tried to figure it out, but soon forgot because Harry had to find the diadem.

Just when Draco Malfoy appeared, the stewardess did too, with coffee, this time.

"Certainly not," said Mr Black.

Alice and Minna said, "No, thank you," meaning "Certainly not" and exchanged a smile.

The trays were cleared away, the plane pursued its journey and Alice forgot about everything around her. Mr Black seemed to have fallen asleep, or perhaps Alice had just got used to hearing him echo her sighs. Alice read undisturbed about the Fiendfyre, Fred's death(gasp!), Lucius pleading for his son (sad sigh). And then she was in the Shrieking Shack with Snape, at last. Now, it seemed, Harry would finally find out Snape's true allegiance.

But Voldemort killed Snape.

"Look…at… me…"

Alice's sob pulled Mr Black out of his slumber.

"What the heck is going on now?" he ejaculated.

Alice turned her face to the window and sobbed.

A red tartan handkerchief appeared in front of her. Alice's tears over Snape's death had pushed Mr Black's patience to its end. He had changed places with Minna. Alice was so grateful.

"Sad book," said Minna, looking wistfully out at the clouds. Alice nodded and did her best to read between her tears, her nose in the tartan lavender-scented handkerchief.

She had to find out what was in those memories.

Whan she had, she heaved a deep sigh, closed the book and pushed it towards Mr Black who was frightening the duty free trolley away. He could have it now, if he was still interested.

"You haven't finished reading,' said Minna in a disapproving tone.

"Don't want to,"said Alice in a choked voice.

"It is not a good thing to leave a book unfinished, or anything else for that matter."

"I don't care what happens in the end. I don't care if Harry dies. If Snape died, then Harry can die."

It was Minna's turn to gasp. Even Mr Black had turned to her in surprise. True, he was still glaring, but it was a surprised glare.

"How can you say that?" said Minna, looking very disapproving. She reminded Alice of a teacher she had had at school, years and years ago.

But Alice was a grown-up now. She shouldn't be afraid of Miss Wilkins any more.

"There is no rule saying one should finish every book one reads," she said.

It would have been more efficient if she had said it without pouting.

"If you stop reading now,you won't know if he died in vain."

"I'll bet he did. He got nothing from life and I bet he died for nothing."

"That will be enough," said Mr Black, standing up. "I have heard quite enough about that idiotic book. I am sitting back in my place, Minna."

Oh no, the git was back.

Minna and Mr Black were glaring at each other like angry cats. Alice sized them up, trying to guess which one would hiss first. Minna looked formidable, but Mr Black looked vicious, treacherous.

They were fighting as to who would sit next to her.

Alice let out a chuckle. They didn't even hear her.

"Hem, hem," she coughed.

Both heads shot around briskly. Minna clutched her neck.

"Ow… It sounded just like…" She smiled apologetically.

"Are you hurt?" asked Mr Black with concern.

For a minute,Alice thought she wouldn't really mind sitting next to him. Would he be nice to her too if she twisted her neck, or was this favour reserved for Minna?

"Save…" said Minna.

Mr Black frowned in warning.

"I'm sorry. Please don't make me change places at your every whim. This young lady… I am sorry, we did not introduce ourselves…"

"Alice."

"Alice," sighed Minna,looking sad again.

Now they were both looking at her sadly.

Faced with the choice between being looked at sadly or reading Harry's boring happy ever after ending, Alice had just decided to flee to the bathroom again, when the seat-belt sign went on.

"We are about to land. Please sit down and fasten your seat-belts."

Bother.

Mr Black gallantly let Minna sit next to Alice.

"You know," said Minna,still massaging her neck, "it isn't a real story. Snape didn't really die.''

"Snape doesn't exist !" snapped Mr Black.

Well, of course, Alice knew that. She knew she was ridiculous to be so upset about a fictional character when there were real people who were being killed in real wars. It was just… that no book had been written about them? Alice turned to Minna in confusion.

"This book was written by a talented author…" began Minna.

"Humph," said Mr Black.

"She's talented, but why was she so unfair to Snape?" asked Alice. To her horror, she was pouting again.

"It takes no talent to be unfair," grumbled Mr Black.

"I quite agree about that," retorted Minna and they began a new glaring contest.

Alice was beginning to have a headache. She couldn't wait to get off the plane. What was the point of sitting here now that Snape was dead?

"Would you like to read the book…?"

She had nearly called the man Mr Black.

"Certainly not."

When the seat-belt signal had gone off and everybody was scrambling to leave the plane, Alice abandoned her book open upside down at the page of Snape's last memory, in dignified protest.

Minna and Mr Black had vanished.

Alice wasn't complaining. Those two were beginning to get on her nerves. Particularly him.

Bastard.

_,_


End file.
